Hello again readers, and welcome back for more ramblings! Today I'm sitting here, sipping my morning coffee as you do on a Sunday morning, and realizing I haven't put anything up on this blog in over a month! So, I thought I would change that with a quick word on coming out. I've already touched on my own personal story with regards to coming out to my wife, so if you're interested in my experiences there, go check it out here!
Now then, onward we go! For most of us, at least as the limited experience I've gained so far has shown, the act of discovering, exploring, and being our female selves is a deeply personal one. It's often accompanied by thoughts of fear, confusion, shame...especially early in life as we just begin to understand how we fit, or don't fit, into what society tells us are the "proper" gender roles. We end up hiding this side of ourselves, sneaking quick dress-up sessions when no one is home, or late at night in the darkness. The more time goes on, the more the secret grows, the harder it becomes to share.
But should we have to? That's a tough question to answer, and the answer will likely change for each person. It also may change for each person depending on who they want, or don't want, to tell. Further complicating things can be issues like jobs, children, social or financial obligations, health...the list goes on. Especially as adults, our lives quickly become intertwined with those around us, and every action we take has consequences in the wider world. Like anything, there are pros and cons to each decision, which should be weighed very carefully. There are risks to telling someone, just as there are risks to keeping the secret. There can also be huge benefits to telling someone...but again, it depends on who that person is, how they react, and what either of you gain from them knowing.
Let's take a quick look at my own circle for a moment, and I'll go over my reason why I have, or have not, revealed Amelia to people:
- My wife - Very liberal, highly educated, with a background in the arts and psychology. While the consequences of her taking this information badly would have been huge (divorce being the worst case), the overall risk in my mind was low. And to keep this secret from her was, in my mind, a violation of the trust she placed in me when we got married in the first place. Obviously, the reveal went very well, with the expected bumps and confusion, but we're stronger and happier for it.
- Mom - Conservative, but with a bit of a hippie mentality and a child of the 60-70s. A wonderful mother! But, at present, she does not know, and I have no plans to tell her. While I believe she would be overall accepting, I don't think she would understand, and neither of us stands to gain much from her knowing. We do not live close, due to my work, and have very limited in-person interaction, so the chances of an accidental discovery are slim.
- Dad - Conservative, well educated and a bit of a perfectionist, and a long time musician, though he never hit it big, he still plays in local shows around town. Typical of men from his generation, he's not much for emotional expression, and puts off a vibe of just "not getting it" when it comes to LGBTQ community. He doesn't hate, I think he just doesn't care to know. Again, in my mind, neither of us gains anything from him knowing, and we don't live close enough for there to be a real risk of accidental discovery.
- Brother - Somewhere in the middle between conservative and liberal. Some health issues, and has had some bad luck in terms of career goals. Lives with his wife on the opposite side of the country. Would probably be the most accepting of family members honestly. Does not know, but this is more due to physical distance. Chances of discovery are low, as are the risks of telling him, but there's not much to gain currently.
- Sister - Very conservative, very traditional/religious. Does not support LGBTQ views, even though I suspect her son is gay. Chances of rejection/hostility are high from her, and our relationship has never been great (whole lot of history there, she's a half-sister who was not the greatest of people in her teens/early 20s, though she's turned her life around now).
- Friends - I don't have any particularly close friends outside of work currently, due to the nature of my job (I am in the military if you did not know) we move frequently, and most of my social circle tends to be the people I work with. Given the military's very narrow views on gender, any reveal within the organization could lead to way more trouble than it's worth.
So there you have it. So far, I've only told my wife (and of course however many people follow my social profiles). Your reasons and circumstances might or might not align with my own, but I hope that by reading through my thoughts today you've gained something. Not everyone needs to tell everyone, or even anyone. It's all about what you want and how it affects yourself and others. If you need a sounding board to help work through the decision of who to tell, reach out to someone in the Instagram or Reddit communities who's been there, or maybe find yourself a therapist. There is nothing wrong with getting outside help, and therapy is a perfectly valid option! I wish you the best of luck!
