House Arrest?

 

 

Hello! Another week, another series of semi-coherent thoughts from Amelia! I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about an issue so many of us crossdressers have, at some time or another dealt with, a restriction in when and where we can dress. I'll preface this with a bit of backstory...

Prior to coming out to my wife, Amelia (or as she was known at the time, Savannah), was restricted to the house, and only during times when no one else was home. I'm sure this is about as far as many ever hope to get, whether by choice or circumstances, but it definitely isn't the most ideal for everyone. Fast forward to after the big reveal, and Amelia was allowed to wander the house freely, and soon even made her way out into the world. It was exhilarating, to finally be free to express this side of myself, and have her be seen in the world as a real person living life...very freeing. But...the clouds of change and uncertainty are looming on the horizon.

My career (I'm in the military if you didn't know) dictates that I move every few years to a new place, with new dynamics, living situations, job schedules, etc. Difficult enough on it's own, but trying to add in "girl time" on top provides a whole new set of challenges. Depending on where you go, whether you have a family, and which branch you serve in, you have a variety of housing options that may or may not be available to you. You might find yourself living "on the economy" as in renting a house or apartment, or perhaps living in military family housing on or near a base. Or you might be unlucky enough to be living on a ship or in barracks with little to no privacy!

For me, things look to be trending towards the 2nd option. The area I'm moving to does not give me the warm and fuzzies when it comes to safety, especially if I'm going to be leaving my wife alone for weeks while I'm off deployed somewhere for my job, so family housing on base is my best option unless I want a 2 hour commute every day. There are also great benefits available on base in terms of gyms, military exchanges and commissary, and being in a close knit community where everyone understands the military lifestyle and experience. "Ok so what's the catch?"

The catch is my freedom of movement outside the home. Not so much an issue for me in male mode, I can come and go as I please, access all the amenities, etc. Amelia on the other hand will have a hard time getting through the gates with an ID that does not in anyway resemble her in appearance. And I can't very well just offer up an honest excuse and not expect word to spread like wildfire across the entire facility, back to my command, and potentially create a lot of heartache for me in my day to day work. So where does that leave me with options?

Well, there are a few I've been gaming out in my mind. First, I simply "smuggle" all my Amelia apparel, wig, makeup, etc in and out, and find somewhere beyond the gates to "transform" ala superwoman in a phone booth. Or, I could opt as some of my crossdressing sisters have, and restrict my out and about time to a select few weekend trips away to hotels. And least ideally of all, Amelia could be put back on "house arrest", confined once again to the limits of our home.

Each of these are valid options, with advantages and disadvantages to them. Ultimately, it might end up being a case of using all 3 interchangeably depending on time and resources. But, regardless, it reminds me that while I've had it good for a while, and will probably find a way to still experience some level of freedom in the future, there are many out there who never get the chance. To those who do, enjoy it! And to those who do not, if you have the desire, don't give up on trying to find a way, it really is worth the trouble!

With love and hope...
Amelia

The sometimes blurry lines between our male and female selves...

 Hello again! Time for some more rambling and whatnot from me to you! Tonight, I had an interesting conversation with my wife on a variety of stresses, thoughts, feelings, etc that have been in both of our minds recently. We've both been though a lot of big changes in the last few months, with more on the horizon as we juggle the ever changing landscape of working in a pre-post-COVID world, while preparing for a move later this year while not being certain yet on the exact timetable, and at the same time continuing to work on fitting Amelia into our lives without letting her take over. 

 

Obviously I'm going to focus on the "Amelia paradox" part of our conversation, and I should point out that, at least in my opinion, we have made incredible strides in a short amount of time. I came out to my wife in November, and since then we've grown by leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance, understanding, and love. But, the road is still a bumpy one, as to be expected, and as we travel along and take new turns in our journey, we find new bumps to navigate. 

 

The latest; the confusing and sometimes blurry lines between my male and female self. On paper, it seems pretty straight forward. If I'm dressed enfemme, wearing a wig, etc, I'm Amelia. If I'm sporting jeans, t-shirt and my typical military style buzz-cut, I'm the man. This should be easy enough...pronouns to match the outward appearance, simple right? We needed some way to establish going forward exactly how I wanted to be addressed, and this rule, guideline, whatever you want to call it, served us reasonably well as a starting point.

But, I also made sure to throw a self-sabotaging wrench into the plan early on, by telling my wife "I'm still me, regardless of what I'm wearing". Is this true? Absolutely! Do my mannerisms change a bit when I am enfemme? I would say yes. As we've both grown more comfortable with Amelia being an open part of our relationship, has there been a bit of bleed through? Yes. You might be saying "wait wait wait, what the heck does that mean?" So, allow me to explain!

In the pre-Amelia days of our relationship/marriage, I as the man had no outwardly expressed interest in fashion. When asked about how something looked on my wife, I gave the same default answers "you look great" or "I always think you're beautiful". Not wrong...as I do always think my wife is beautiful, but also not very helpful for someone who is trying to genuinely figure out what to wear. I also refused to participate in yoga, I do NOT dance, and forget about talking about feelings! All of this, I'm sure, was a subconsciously devised strategy to keep the yet-to-be-named Amelia locked as far back into that closet as possible. And then one day, as we know, she busted out.

Amelia loves fashion, even if she is a bit clueless sometimes. Amelia is much more communicative in terms of her feelings. She also is much more likely to dance, smiles more, enjoys yoga...she's not held back by that societal expectation of tough exterior that a man "should" present to the world. "Ok ok, get to the point!" I hear you saying...sorry!

 

The problem arises now that some time has gone by. Whereas in the beginning stages of Amelia's arrival into the world, there were clearly defined days, times and activities that she OR my male self occupied, but not both, we now slowly see a bit of merging of the two. I'm still not walking around the house in a dress while rocking a beard or anything like that, but I (the man version) regularly do yoga with my wife, and will happily discuss fashion/clothing/etc whenever the topic comes up. Amelia, at the same time, enjoys playing video games, and is also seen in the kitchen on occasion helping prepare meals where before only my wife and her husband shared time together. Throw the "icing on the cake" that is intimacy into the mix, and we've got quite a mess on our hands (no, not that kind of mess, get your mind out of the gutter)!

From the inside, I don't immediately recognize the blur. After all, I am me, regardless of what I am wearing. But for my wife, who wants to be as supportive and loving as she can, but also needs to be able to understand what's going on inside my head, while also coming to terms with her own relationship and attraction to both versions of myself (which might be a whole other blog post topic entirely), it quickly gets confusing and frustrating. 

To be fair, I don't consider myself to be suffering from gender dysphoria, at least not to any level which drives me to pursue a full gender transition, and being addressed by the wrong pronoun or name does not send waves of pain through my soul, but for many it is a very real situation and struggle. My wife, to her credit, is simply trying to be as respectful and understanding as possible. But, as the line between my male and female self is blurred in my own mind, it can be difficult to keep everything neat and organized. The ultimate fear, from my wife's perspective, is an accidental "outing" wherein the wrong name slips out in the presence of someone who does not know about Amelia. 

That's a lot of pressure to put on someone I love, and brings up many questions with regards to whether I should come out to the family at large, reducing the risk; double down on efforts to keep my two sides separated, or just give up Amelia entirely. None of these options are easy, and really the last one is impossible, that genie is out of the bottle now! 

So where do we go from here? Excellent question! Perhaps someday I'll be at a point in my life where I can come back to this post and laugh at how clueless I was. But, until then, the journey continues! For those out there in similar situations, all I can offer is to keep communicating, keep learning, and keep trying! We've managed to overcome every obstacle so far, this one will be no different!

With kindness, love and hope...

Amelia

A need to know basis?

    Hello again readers, and welcome back for more ramblings! Today I'm sitting here, sipping my morning coffee as you do on a Sunday morning, and realizing I haven't put anything up on this blog in over a month! So, I thought I would change that with a quick word on coming out. I've already touched on my own personal story with regards to coming out to my wife, so if you're interested in my experiences there, go check it out here! 

    Now then, onward we go! For most of us, at least as the limited experience I've gained so far has shown, the act of discovering, exploring, and being our female selves is a deeply personal one. It's often accompanied by thoughts of fear, confusion, shame...especially early in life as we just begin to understand how we fit, or don't fit, into what society tells us are the "proper" gender roles. We end up hiding this side of ourselves, sneaking quick dress-up sessions when no one is home, or late at night in the darkness. The more time goes on, the more the secret grows, the harder it becomes to share. 

 

    But should we have to? That's a tough question to answer, and the answer will likely change for each person. It also may change for each person depending on who they want, or don't want, to tell. Further complicating things can be issues like jobs, children, social or financial obligations, health...the list goes on. Especially as adults, our lives quickly become intertwined with those around us, and every action we take has consequences in the wider world. Like anything, there are pros and cons to each decision, which should be weighed very carefully. There are risks to telling someone, just as there are risks to keeping the secret. There can also be huge benefits to telling someone...but again, it depends on who that person is, how they react, and what either of you gain from them knowing. 

    Let's take a quick look at my own circle for a moment, and I'll go over my reason why I have, or have not, revealed Amelia to people:

• My wife - Very liberal, highly educated, with a background in the arts and psychology. While the consequences of her taking this information badly would have been huge (divorce being the worst case), the overall risk in my mind was low. And to keep this secret from her was, in my mind, a violation of the trust she placed in me when we got married in the first place. Obviously, the reveal went very well, with the expected bumps and confusion, but we're stronger and happier for it.

• Mom - Conservative, but with a bit of a hippie mentality and a child of the 60-70s. A wonderful mother! But, at present, she does not know, and I have no plans to tell her. While I believe she would be overall accepting, I don't think she would understand, and neither of us stands to gain much from her knowing. We do not live close, due to my work, and have very limited in-person interaction, so the chances of an accidental discovery are slim.
  

• Dad - Conservative, well educated and a bit of a perfectionist, and a long time musician, though he never hit it big, he still plays in local shows around town. Typical of men from his generation, he's not much for emotional expression, and puts off a vibe of just "not getting it" when it comes to LGBTQ community. He doesn't hate, I think he just doesn't care to know. Again, in my mind, neither of us gains anything from him knowing, and we don't live close enough for there to be a real risk of accidental discovery.

• Brother - Somewhere in the middle between conservative and liberal. Some health issues, and has had some bad luck in terms of career goals. Lives with his wife on the opposite side of the country. Would probably be the most accepting of family members honestly. Does not know, but this is more due to physical distance. Chances of discovery are low, as are the risks of telling him, but there's not much to gain currently.

• Sister - Very conservative, very traditional/religious. Does not support LGBTQ views, even though I suspect her son is gay. Chances of rejection/hostility are high from her, and our relationship has never been great (whole lot of history there, she's a half-sister who was not the greatest of people in her teens/early 20s, though she's turned her life around now). 

• Friends - I don't have any particularly close friends outside of work currently, due to the nature of my job (I am in the military if you did not know) we move frequently, and most of my social circle tends to be the people I work with. Given the military's very narrow views on gender, any reveal within the organization could lead to way more trouble than it's worth. 

    So there you have it. So far, I've only told my wife (and of course however many people follow my social profiles). Your reasons and circumstances might or might not align with my own, but I hope that by reading through my thoughts today you've gained something. Not everyone needs to tell everyone, or even anyone. It's all about what you want and how it affects yourself and others. If you need a sounding board to help work through the decision of who to tell, reach out to someone in the Instagram or Reddit communities who's been there, or maybe find yourself a therapist. There is nothing wrong with getting outside help, and therapy is a perfectly valid option! I wish you the best of luck!

Coming Out To My Wife

 So I figured it might be worth putting this out there, for those who are interested. Here goes...

I came out to my wife about two months ago. It was terrifying, awkward, liberating, confusing, heartwarming...it was many things. I've never been particularly good at articulating my feelings verbally, especially not in starting a conversation on something this serious, so I chose to write my thoughts out in a brief note, which I gave her to read with me present. The text of that letter was as follows:

I am writing this rather than speaking it because this is an extremely embarrassing topic and I am feeling very vulnerable. But, I love you and need you to hear it. I am a cross-dresser. I've been hiding this side of myself out of shame and confusion, but I can't in fairness continue to hide it from you. I have never told anyone this before. Yes, I have been secretly wearing some of your clothes (hence the shame/embarrassment). Before you ask...I've gone ahead and anticipated the big questions here:

Why?

That is a complicated answer that has changed over time. It started in my teens/early 20s as primarily a fetish/sexual arousal thing. Over time it has evolved into more of an artistic expression (though it is still arousing sometimes). I express myself in the female form primarily by posting photos (with my face altered/hidden) on the internet. I post pictures online for the simple reason of feedback/acceptance of what I see as an extension of my being, and to see how good I am at creating a convincing female appearance. I realize this probably makes you incredibly uncomfortable, and will not force you to see it. If you want, I will show you, but as fair warning some of it might be rather risque. If you don't want to see or don't want me to continue posting, that's ok.

Are you transgender?

Short answer...no. I don't think I am. I have no desire to become permanently a woman. I enjoy having and using a penis for all the sexy things. I simply want to explore/express a more feminine side of my personality sometimes, and enjoy the artistic challenge of transforming myself into a woman through clothing/photo manipulation.

Are you gay/bisexual?

I am NOT attracted to men. I do enjoy a cross-dresser who appears passably female, but in my mind that person is a woman in that instance. However, I am only interested in YOU. I don't want to experiment with others, I don't want to leave you. I LOVE YOU and ONLY YOU.

I realize this is a bombshell. I hope you will accept this part of me, but I understand that might take time, or might not happen at all. If you never want to talk about this again, I understand. If you need time, I understand. At the end of the day, I LOVE YOU, and want to be with you. But I don't want this secret to be hidden from you anymore.

 This letter served as the beginning of an ongoing conversation, which took place over the next few hours/days/weeks, and is still on going. Initially, I was met with curiosity, a little confusion, some fear, but also an overwhelming sense of love. 

Since then, we've had a few rough days (where the "fear" of transitioning or changed sexual preferences sets in), a few great days, a many many good days. I've dressed fully in front of her, I've shopped for clothes with her, and we have even made plans for a joint photo session. We have had discussions about how we want to integrate Amelia into our lives as a couple, and yes that even includes in the bedroom, and how we want to approach the eventual reality of taking a trip outside of our home. We are definitely still a work in progress, and we have much to learn, but we are heading in the right direction, and each time we explore this aspect of our lives together, we get just a little bit closer, our love just a little bit deeper, and the future looks just a little bit brighter.

Hello!

 Hello world! I'm not entirely sure yet what I will do with this blog to be honest, but I figured the best place to start would be a short introduction.

So, without further ado...I'm Amelia Rose. I am, as of this writing, 35 years old. I'm a crossdresser, in that I am a man, who enjoys wearing female clothing. I do this primarily as a form of expression and to get in touch with my feminine side. I consider myself to be straight, and am married to a wonderful woman.

My wife is very open and supportive of this side of me, although we have only recently begun to explore this together. She is the only person in my life who knows about this part of me, and I cannot say for certain if I will ever reveal this to anyone else. 

So far, my activity has been online only, in that I share photos via social media. I do plan to, at some point in the future, venture out into the world in female form, as I feel intrigued by the thought of experiencing every day life as a woman, and the challenge of transforming myself into a believable female appearance without the aid of camera filters and perfect lighting. 

Outside of crossdressing, I have a variety of "normal" interests such as video games, movies, books, etc. I have a good job with great benefits, a loving wife, and an adorable dog. 

So that's me, in a nutshell. We'll see what sort of thoughts I chose to share here in the future...I am of course open to suggestions and always happy to hear thoughts on my style/outfits/makeup. You can find me in several places online, the links are over to the right >>>>